xei/宁宁
'99 they
if i don't talk, i'll just get mad at you again.
locked.
ellie,
if you're reading this, you've seen the link on the first page. i used to use the alias alex for all my internet crap including myinsta. someday if you meet rookie you could ask her lmao.
you were the first person i wanted to tell everything to all my sadness and emotions, all my tribulations. for a second, i thought you were too.
did i ruin everything? i remember things weren't well even before i confessed. maybe i was wrong. maybe it all could have been saved. but that's not what happened is it? and i have to pick up all the stupid pieces by myself.
i wish you would text me back. i wish you would disappear forever. i wish you would talk to me everyday. i wish i could let you go. i wish i could tell you about my hometown my struggles with schoolwork how dumb i think my teachers are for always lauding discussion posts even though people just copy other people's answers. i wish you knew nothing about me. i wish i knew how i could have saved it. i wish i knew nothing. i hate you. i love you. i miss you.theres a certain type of cruelty that happens with ghosting. i can't stop wanting to find the reason why, but for every second the unstoppable search continues, the more you get mythologized in my mind. maybe you were an all-seeing angel who saw my darkest side and cast judgment. maybe you're just a tempermental avoidant judgemental asshole who puts up a mask of sweetness and kindness just to tear it off when i needed you most. maybe you're just stupid. maybe you're just fucking stupideverytime i try to kill it, try to block you, it feels like drowning a small baby. i know its dead, i know it to my failing grades to the icicles in my heart, but i can't help bringing it up above the water to check for its breath. i can't help but to keep hoping that you'll call or text. i know its dead. i think you're feeling as much pain as i am. we need to drown this baby together.i'll be back in november. i'll find a grave then.im sorry it had to end this way.
in my defense this was awful. but i did want to keep hanging out with you.
also i knew from the start that whole reason for rejecting me was bullshit. at least don't insult my intelligence like that. thanks.
terfs + <18 dni
terfs + <18 dni
starting over soon.
impatientif you are reading this, somehow, sorry for all those texts. and everything. and for the last text actually. let things die. crime punishment action karma. etc etcnight
pleasant memories being replaced by bitterness. call that a consquence i guess. i can't seem to focus on my assignments, and im so close to just blocking you out. one of them suggested to text you this"hey so ik u apologized for ghosting me and stuff, but i just wanted to check in and see if theres a reason why u did it. are u ok? if anythings wrong ill be here for u. if u dont like me anymore and thats why ur doing this, pls lmk so i can stop wasting my time."i rlly want to send it. the thing that will makes the most angry is the amount of wasted time honestly.i wish i could just forget you. i wish i could stop thinking whether or not you think im a creep or stalker or desperate or whatever. why tf would u send smth so long the first time if you're just going to do it again. god im so tired.nightso im thinking. putting the pieces together. rlly hoping that you deleted the messages i sent during a fuege state. i think you did. you'll be soo suprised how many people when you tell them someone has ghosted you are so quick to demonize. i like that. it's just. the thing ive read most is your intial apology.. like i dont want this to change me. its funny.
are you there?you're not. i know you're not. i know this will die like so many geocity sites before. i wish i didn't send you those texts. i wish i had social development beyond the age of 13. most of all i wish i wasn't a selfish creep. i wish things were so different you couldn't recognize anything from this world.i know you're not there, but somehow the most fun is imagining you somehow being obsessed and overthinking as much as I am. when mrs. saski was as crazy as I was, it made me feel less alone.it's painful to remember, how it started of so well. i would give up so much just to see how it played out from your side. i don't like half-truths.but i have learned my lesson. character development and such. so i will not text you but write it here, in the coming days.also there is a chance i might block you. sorry if this makes you upset but honestly i suspect u wont notice lmao. im doing it bc you're not like me.midnighti'm trying really hard not to be resentful to you rn. you know its kind of corny to write it out like this but im writing it here for the same reason i break down in grocery stores instead of my house sometimes im just tired of doing this constantly in private.i keep thinking about some of your recent responses. it kind of reminds me when i was 14 and i would try to copy some of my classmates writing styles and personalities to transfer onto my assignments or essays. this would later become one of the reasons i started to fail english. talking to people on omegle was a mistake, they're all so bitter. i do think you're just exhausted. it just sucks bc i hate to think im the one exhausting you all the time. my anxiety just wants to keep pushing until that's no longer the case but that is never how it works.someday i'll get over this, promise. i told other people that since ur not as active on your insta it probably means there's truth to what u say but it doesn't seem to convince them. worse theres stuff my anxiety is making worse, like the fact u haven't posted anything since i've followed you. sigh. if u want me to unfollow you i wish you'd just say so. this whole guessing game is driving me insane.it sucks. im going to make things worse, i can feel it. i want to stop.maybe you are just an ass. who tf, anyone who is reading this tell me if this makes sense, blocks unblocks someone for three weeks but doesn't respond to their admittedly incessant texting, sends this long apology saying they're the sweetest person they've met, and is still flaky with texts? maybe i am overreacting, maybe i am the bad guy maybe i sound like the you guy i just don't even know. honestly at some point i wish you had just blocked me, i don't i appreciate your apology i just this is so frustrating. i asked you three times if u wanted to stay friends and u said yea every time bc i just want closure but maybe not. i don't know i don't know why you can't just communicate. it's driving me insane because i really wanted to save this friendship. i wish i just knew what u wanted.there's some resentment creeping in. it's never what i want. of course it's never what i want. i just wish i knew. i really wish i knew.i keep thinking of what went wrong. i need to move on. ineed to move on. i need to move on. i wish i didn't send u those texts.daylmao you texted back. god okay never take advice from omegle bc there are all these ppl don't think ppl r busy. like atp idc much abt just not turning into one of those ppl who go on omegle and give the most sociopathic advice you've ever heard and then go on twitter and rant how lonely they aremidnightgod i wish things were different. i need a lie. i need a life away from my family my parents especially my sister. i keep telling myself it was just a bad week which it was it has literally never been this bad before. i don't know. i'm just trying to study. it still hurts to think what could have been but probably never was. its for the best. it is. god i hope you deleted those texts.night
the amount of ppl that call me young man on omegele lmao.night
yea i don't get it. i really don't.day
i keep thinking. i don't think i ever knew what you were. all the times i've thought of you, i just wished i knew what you were thinking. about me, about anything. i am still attracted to you. obviously. i wish you would reply. but its for the best.it seems like it was both fiction and reality. it's not you. im tired of being shut out of stuff. i know what i want from you and i know what you said. i know what i said. im afraid there is something that you're not telling me that you need to. please just let me know if you don't ever want to think about me again. i will leave.night
i am so close to just ruining this friendship so it'll be over lmao. god like literally one of the worst communicators i've ever met. and that is saying a lot.night
crime punishment. crime punishment. i know what the crime is you don't. you seem so far away now. i should let it be.i hate metal scratching, deadlines, and arguements. maybe at the end im just as non confrontational as you are. still the most fun i've had with this is imaging somehow you're obsessed with this as much as i am. it's less with you now. that somehow your situation is the same as mine. i guess not.if you're reading this, get mad with me. i hate half-truths. seriously i asked you three times and still you ghost me. you're literally one of the worst communicators i've ever met.
